Friday 29 April 2016

someone new

There's this Hozier song called Someone New that perfectly describes what's happening in my brain when I'm out and about and watch people pass by. I fall in love with every single one of them, the way they walk or talk or brush their hair out of their face. I fall in love with the way they smile or frown or sip their coffee or get excited over that 10cents they just found. I fall in love with every little thing I see strangers do, and I start to imagine what would happen if I'd just spoke to them, introduced myself and said "You made me smile. Thanks." I don't. Obviously. I'm too shy, too sure they'd think I'm weird, too scared of talking to people I don't know.


But they made me smile. They made me fall in love with them, even though all I've seen was a snippet, a snapshot of a tiny second of their existance. I've fallen in love with more strangers than the number of friends I have, which isn't because of my small number of friends, but because I fall in love so easily. Weirdly, I only do with strangers. I've never been in love with someone I actually know. Maybe because I do know them. Maybe it's harder to fall in love with people you know because you know them so well, you know their every quality, each one of their mistakes, every thing they do that annoys you. Maybe it's just easier for me to fall in love with ideas than with people, with stories instead of humans.

I love big cities because every time I'm in one of them I get to fall in love with somebody every few seconds. I start to spin my stories around them, moments we'd have together if we spoke to each other, laughter, crying, I imagine bumping into them at the bookstore or at a café, if we'd like each other or not, I make strings out of my words and put the people into cocoons made from these words. I spin and spin and spin the thread around them until they're fully covered and maybe possibly evolve into something bigger. A friendship, maybe a thought that goes into a piece of writing, a snipped of a moment that makes me laugh, and maybe possibly something even larger. Maybe possibly they become a whole story. And so I fall in love just a little ol' little bit every day with someone new.

Tuesday 12 April 2016

loveletters to no one in particular

I'll spend the summer daydreaming about you. I'll sit on the sofa, a glass of I-don't-know-what-kind-of-chemicals mixed with alcohol in my hand, a book in the other and I'll wish to inhale your scent that always tickles my nose when you're close, when you hug me. It's really nice. I'll imagine myself in your jumper, smelling you in my clothes. I'll imagine myself next to you curled up in a ball reading, holding your hand. I'll imagine you inhaling the smell of my shampoo that somehow manages to stay in my hair for at least the next three days when you hug me. You smell really nice. That's the worst part of your hugs - trying to inhale your scent within a second.



I'll spend the summer daydreaming about you. I'll sit in the train, my head leaning against the window, looking out, imagining your palm in mine and how our fingers would intertwine. I'll sit on the beach, sand between my toes, wind breezing though my hair and longing to see it ruffle yours. I long for your hands around my wrists, dragging me along unexpectedly and smiling at me when I roll my eyes. I'll fall asleep staring at the ceiling, reliving every smile you ever giftet me. I'll imagine and imagine and imagine until I'll believe I'm absolutely in love and so are you when I see you again. I'll spend the summer debating whether to send you a text or not, wanting to ask you out for coffee but never actually building up the courage to do so. Falling in love is a rather disgusting thing, and while I defend my heard and brain with teeth and claws you'll stand there and smile your sad, soft, warm almost smile. My body will refuse to move and then I'll fall, praying you intend on catching me. If you do, I already see myself leaning against you because you're always there, always present, my oak tree in the eye of the storm. And oh, how I long for your arms around my waist, your hands in my hair, your breath on my neck, my lips on your cheek. I just want you to look at me forever because your gaze has a certain sparke, a warmth, a promise in it that I cannot help to adore. Oh, how I adore you.

Monday 4 April 2016

intertwining fingers

 I went outside on Friday because the weather was so lovely. It hasn't been that hot in a while, so I took the opportunity and a few photos. I noticed that our corkscrew willow already had buds, and then I noticed how the branches intertwined and I started thinking about humans.
Humans love to intertwine. Their lives, their thoughts, their fingers. I'm happiest when I can intertwine my fingers with my friend's and my thoughts with theirs. When I can curl myself around someone and share thoughts, snippets of moments, laughter. I'm not the only one who thinks that way; my friends love to intertwine, too. Fingers and hair, arms, everything. Pretty sure my friend group isn't the only one that's constantly intertwining. But why do humans do that? Why do humans intertwine? Is it the sense of security feeling somebody's skin on yours gives us? Is it the reassurance of knowing somebody is as insecure as you are, worries about the same things, relies on the same beliefs? 

Humans love to intertwine, whether it's in private or in public, in museums, at concerts, at home on the sofa, whether it's with other humans or animals or with ideas. We intertwine ourselves, our thoughts with things we think will protect us, guide us, inspire us and comfort us. We intertwine all the time, with everybody and everything, even if it's only our thoughts with their image in our heads. We need the contact with the whole world to be who we are; the only thing that really defines us is how we act around other people. Not our thoughts, not our wishes and dreams, what defines us is how we treat others. How we intertwine with them, how we make them feel. It's kinda magical, when you think about it. Simply by sharing thoughts, words, actions with people you can make them feel things, you touch their lives everyday simply by existing. Even if you don't think you take a active part in their lives you can change so much. Even if you don't notice it, you've had so much influence on strangers, on people you've intertwined your life with, people that intertwined their lives with yours.
Man, the thoughts I have when I stare at trees ...