Thursday, 7 December 2017

chasing dreams

It's been a while, I know. I promised to post more, I know. But I do have a good reason: I've just started university in October, which has made the past few months quite stressful. I didn't want to say anything before it actually happened because I didn't want to jinx it, but now that I've succesfully completed six weeks and already made a few friends, I feel safe to tell you: for the next three years, I'll be studying Creative Writing and Cultural Journalism.
Writing has been the Big Dream since day one for me. I've never wanted to be anything but an author. This is a huge huge step towards that dream (and considering only 15 people have been accepted for this BA at my uni this year, it's also quite a big chance) and I am so so excited I get to take it.
Up to now, I love all my courses, I love the atmosphere and I have not been complaining too much. The people are really nice and I get along quite well with everybody (for probably the first time in my life), and once I've gotten used to everything I hope to be far more productive.
This is what I've always wanted to do. This is everything to me. This is my chance to make my dream come true and I'll be damned if I don't seize every little opportunity. So this, kind of, is a promise to myself: I'll make this work.

From the point in time I'm now in, writing this, I'll be moving tomorrow, and then hopefully I'll settle in a bit more and get used to the routine and I really hope I'll have more time and energy (and ideas) to write more on here. Two posts are done and just wait to be published, a winter books post is in the making (if you have any suggestions, then please, tell me!) and a few more are started and are now waiting for more inspiration to strike.
I hope you've been well!
Lots of love from
me, chasing my dream

Friday, 27 October 2017

autumn books

Similar to my summer books post, I wanted to share a few of my favourite autumn reads with you! These are the books I want to reach for when it's getting chilly outside, the leaves are falling, the mornings are getting foggier and foggier, Following what I explained in my last book recommendations post, autumn is my fantasy book season, but, just like in the summer book recs, I'll include a few non-fantasy books that still give me that cozy, comfy feeling.

The Inkworld trilogy by Cornelia Funke: Inkheart, Inkspell and Inkdeath.
These books captured my heart from the beginning. They follow the story of Meggie, who's father is a bookbinder. Her father has a special gift: he can read things out of books, but for every thing that comes out of a book, another thing has to go in.
I feel like saying any more about it would give away too much of the story, but be assured: those books are as cozy and comfy and wonderful as it gets. Cornelia Funke is a german author who has written some of my all time favourite books, and this series is pure magic.

The Bartimaeus series and the Lockwood&Co series by Jonathan Stroud both have the same autumn vibes to me (tho I'm not quite sure anymore if they are set in autumn). The book series both take place in semi-present day London. Bartimaeus is a djinn who's called by - you wouldn't believe it - a twelve year old magician's apprentice, and since the little twat didn't make any mistakes in his spell, he actually has to serve him, too.
The way this story is told is absolutely hilarious and I, for one, fell madly in love with Nathaniel. (If you speak German, the first audio book of the series in German is narrated by Martin Semmelrogge, who has the PERFECT voice for telling this story.)
Lockwood&Co is about three teenage ghost hunters who take on their biggest case yet. Oh, how I adore the setting and the vibes you get from this book.
Both series are absolutely wonderful and you should give them a try if you love sassy protagonists and that little twist of dark magic.

The Last Dragon Chronicles by Chris D'Lacey was a book series I read when I was about 13/14 (but apparently did not finish, as I found out whilst doing a bit of research for this post!)
David needs a place to stay at for university and finds a home with the kooky Mrs Pennykettle and her daughter Lucy. Mrs Pennykettle makes small clay dragons for a living, and soon David has to discover that neither his new home nor the dragons are what they seem.
Simply thinking about these books gives me cosy, comfy autumn vibes. It's such a great series with so many lovely characters (and come on, who isn't a sucker for dragons?), and it'll surely warm your heart as well as it did mine!

The Sherlock Holmes books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This is one of my boyfriend's picks, but I couldn't agree with him more: Sherlock Holmes is definitely an autumn read to me. If you don't know what the books are about (which I highly doubt!): Sherlock Holmes is a detective who solves crimes simply by deducing the order, cause and means of an event, with which he surprises not only his friend John Watson but also the staff of Scotland Yard and most of the people that ask for his help.
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott is a book my mom wanted to read because Joe on Friends mentioned it a couple of times. My dad got her the most beautiful illustrated edition and within weeks, both me and my mom had finished it and were swooning over every little detail. The stories of Betty and her sisters are such a homely read for me and feel made for autumn. (My personal fave must be Jo, and I cried when Amy cut her hair!)

I hope these books give you a little inspiration for what to read this autumn! If you have any autumn books, I'd love to hear your recommendations!

Thursday, 31 August 2017

turning eighteen

Two and a half months ago, I turned eighteen. Not only that, but the day before my birthday I had my graduation and my prom. It was a pretty busy weekend. Most of all, all those important life events were crammed into a span of maybe 36 hours. I was scared of all of them; I'm not too happy with my final grade, I was afraid I'd trip in my heels and fall down the stairs to the stage at my graduation, I was scared of that huge part of my life ending, I was scared of what's coming next. Prom was a similar issue: I'm not too fond of huge crowds and loud music and many people crammed into a small space. I wasn't keen on spending six+ hours in the company of people I didn't necessarily enjoy spending day after day in class with. And then midnight. The greatest horror of them all: my eighteenth birthday. The dreaded number.  The thing I have been most afraid of the past years.

I started crying the second my best friend hugged me and told me how much she loved me. I cried even more when my boyfriend started wiping the tears from my cheeks and kissing my face, and I couldn't stop when my friends lined up to say their lines and wish me a million things for my birthday.
It was all just a bit much, I think. The uncertainties of the months to come, the fear that I wouldn't be able to study something that really interested me and just becoming another empty shell, doing things I didn't enjoy in a place I didn't like, feeling like a waste of space and energy.
Now I know I will be able to study what I want to, but that fear remains: what now? What if the thing I always dreamed of will be just another disappointment, what if that's not what I'm supposed to do, what if I never find that thing?

The thought of now legally being an adult scares  me more than anything else. I'm responsible for myself now. I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself, and I'm afraid I don't know how. 
I'm currently in the progress of finding an apartment in the city I'll move to in autumn, and it's way more difficult than I imagined. I'm afraid I won't be able to find a place in time, I'm afraid I will miss appointments and lectures and deadlines if I'm supposed to remember all of it myself, if I alone am responsible for the work I do and how it turns out. I'm so afraid of failing, is what this is. The old, comfortable monster underneath my bed, mocking me and all my efforts. What will happen when I'm the one who has to make it go away?

Thursday, 6 July 2017

summer books

I do this weird thing where I associate certain genres with certain seasons of the year. Autumn and Winter are Fantasy, Spring is Romance and Young Adult and Summer is Crime and Horror novels. While I'm sitting on the beach, enjoying the sun and trying to get my pale skin at least a tiny bit more tan, there's nothing I enjoy more than a good Crime novel. I've compiled a few of my favourite Summer chill inducing books for you (and a few extra ones for those who don't enjoy blood splatter and murder as much as I do) in this post.

N° 1, one of my favourite crime novel series (and also TV series! God, how I love Sasha Alexander):
Rizzoli & Isles by Tess Gerritsen. Tess Gerritsen, who studied and practised medicine before she started writing novels, first wrote medical thrillers. Her now probably best known series follows Boston based homicide detective Jane Rizzoli and pathologist Maura Isles, who together solve gruesome murders.
Up to now there are 10 books and seven seasons to the series. The TV series is great, too, but differs from the books quite a bit, so if you enjoyed one of them, it's not guaranteed you'd enjoy the other one too, but it's definitely worth a shot!

N°2: Do not read this if you're going on a cruise. It might ruin the fun a teeny tiny bit: Passenger 23 by Sebastian Fitzek. Did you know that every year about 23 people disappear on cruise ships? By the time someone notices a person is missing, the ship has moved too great a distance to search the water successfully. Years ago, the wife and son of police psychologist Martin Schwartz went missing on a cruise, until he receives a call from an old woman who claims to know what happened to his family.
This one definitely messes with your head, approach with caution!

N° 3, a book by the one and only, the master, the King of Horror. Christine by Stephen King: Arnie is  a loser. He doesn't have many friends, girls don't like him, his life is a bit of  a let down. When he buys a red Plymouth Fury called Christine, everything seems to change: he falls in love with a girl, he gains confidence, even his acne clears up. But Christine is more than just an old car, and apparently, she has a mind of her own.
My dad lend me this book one hot summer a few years ago. It was the first Stephen King novel I've ever read and it's still my favourite (if you don't count On Writing, which is basically my holy grail).

N° 4 is quite disturbing in it's own way: The Perfume by Patrick Süskind tells the story of Grenouille, a boy with an extraordinary sense of smell. Most smells disgust him, until he smells a young girl passing him on the street. He kills her to have her smell, but quickly notices it won't stay. He wants to learn more about perfume, so he can find another girl, just like the first one - but this time, he'll preserve her scent.
I've read this book in our garden in the sticky August heat, and I couldn't imagine a better place to do so - it's definitely a Summer book for me.

N° 5: infinitely praised, both as a book and as a movie. Captivating, filled with tension, brilliantly written: Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl. The day Amy Elliot Dunne disappears changes everything for her husband. He's the main suspect in the case that builds up around Amazing Amy's disappearance. As he and the police discover new sides to Amy's personality the evidence tightens the rope around Nick's neck. But did he really do it?
Oh, how I loved this book. It's incredibly well written, and the mind games this book plays are amazing. Within pages you start to question everything you know about the case and Amy and Nick.

And now to the two non-crime/thriller books:

 N°6 really made me think about so many things. It's a wonderful book, and it definitely makes you question what and how you believe and whether or not it would be worth a shot to change your life a bit.
Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert is an autobiography that gives exactly what it promises: Liz, who recently divorced her husband, decides to travel for a year, four months in Italy, four in India and four in Bali, to find her inner centre again.

N° 7 is as funny, heartwarming and cosy as you could want a book to be.
Pat has finished his time in a psychological treatment facility and is now on a mission to win his wife Nikki back. On his first evening out, he meets his best friend's sister-in-law Tiffany, who is depressed, widowed and just a teeny tiny bit crazy. She promises to help him get Nikkis love back if he helps her win a dancing competition.

I hope you enjoy those books as much as I did! Please tell me if you have read any of those or plan on reading them. On that note, have a great summer!

Sunday, 21 May 2017


I have fallen in love. The longing-filled, bittersweet kind of love. I keep checking my phone, playing and replaying songs, reminding myself of all those smiles and kisses and intertwined fingers, and I just want to cry.
I get that awful, horrible feeling in my gut, that hole in my chest, that hollowed out space that definitely wasn't there before, and I just keep thinking about how close to not-happening the whole thing was. How it all seemed lined out and scripted from day one, how I struggled with fate, how I battled the universe on this, and how everybody saw it, everybody except us. I keep thinking about what we could have had years earlier, how we tried and tried to ignore it. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe it wasn't.


Friends to lovers is one of my favourite tropes in fiction, because it shows that good relationships are not only dating someone, but dating your friend, maybe even your best friend. How much easier it is to skip all that getting to know each other because you already do, you've already had known each other in and out for years, how you don't have to explain anything because they've seen you at your worst and at your best. If you have a base on anything other than that thing called love, if you have something to build on, it just all seems so much more predestined. Maybe that's it, maybe it seems meant to be because we've always gotten along so well, because we've always been able to laugh together, to be there for each other, there's always been so much trust between us that a romantic relationship wasn't actually that big of a step - or an especially big one.
Falling for someone is a difficult thing for me. Or rather, falling for someone and then letting them in. Letting them see my heart and my mind, letting them participate and help. I only have few very good friends for that exact same reason: I have a hard time opening up to people. So maybe it isn't that surprising at all to find the person I'd fall in love with already inside the walls instead of miles away from the medival castle I've built to contain my feelings. He's been there for years, helping me mend the walls when somebody hurt me, trying to keep me from building another one, trying to keep me calm when I thought I'd be failing for sure. He's made me laugh countless times, even though I tried to hide it in the early years, but still he kept trying to cheer me up. He kept trying to get me to maybe switch out my castle for something easier to visit. A nice little cottage in the forest maybe. Thinking about it, I'd actually quite like the look of that.

Thursday, 11 May 2017

I'm back!

(No, really.) Okay, I'm not going to promise weekly posts or incredibly creative photos and texts and everything, but I'm back, and I'll try.
Alright-y, first of all, I'll explain why or how I was 'away'. The last post on this blog was sometime around October, if I remember correctly. It's been over half a year, and I am very sorry for that, not only for the people who like to read my stuff, but also for me, because that means I haven't really written since then. Yes, I did NaNoWriMo and wrote like 20 pages, and then I did Camp NaNoWriMo in April and wrote seven, but that hasn't been continuously. Reason for that is that around November last year my first exam period of my last year of school started. Our last two semesters of school here in Germany are shorter than the others, because at the end, we take our final A-Level exams in late April/early May, therefore we had to cram a lot more school work into a lot less time. That's quite stressful, as you can imagine, and I haven't had time to read or write or create, for that matter. But now, I'm done with school, I've taken four out of five of my A-Levels, the last one is an oral exam in early June. Until October, when university starts, I don't really have anything to do, so I'll try and blog a lot more!
In June/July, I'll be travelling for a whole month, near the sea, so I'll have quite a lot of time to photograph again, which I'm very excited for! Until then, I'll try to write a bit more. 
Since I have a lot more time on my hands now, I'll also be reading more, if you'd like some book recommendations, I'll try to get some of those out, too!
(Another not-really-little thing I'd like to mention is that the lovely Nicole from explosive bagel mentioned me in her Reflecting on 2016 post! Thank you so much for that, I was really really excited when I read it!)
Okay, I'm done rambling. Expect to hear from me soon!

Monday, 24 October 2016


I don't think I've ever seen the stars this bright.
If this is happy, if it is walking the dog late at night, admiring the stars and having someone look at you like that, then I get it. Then I absolutely and completely get it and I take back everything I've ever said. If happy is small wooden stars and words scribbled on the back of blurry photographs and smiles over smiles over smiles, then it all makes sense now. If happy is standing in a bunch of stinging nettle cuddling a dog, if it is burning your tongue on freshly brewed coffee, if it is fireworks a few villages over and excited laughter and fingers intertwining with yours then heck, why haven't I been stupid earlier? Because I've definitely been missing out. If I can be that happy just within a few hours, I can't wait to see how happy I could be in the future.
I don't think I've ever seen the stars this bright. I don't think I've ever had that weird, slightly twisting ache in my chest thinking about someone. I don't think, for the most part. I didn't have to. All I could think was "Happy. Happy. Happy."
If this is falling in love, then I'm so down for it. If it means I can keep this person, I am so so down. If this is what happily ever afters and fairy tales are made of, I get it I get it I get it and I. Take back. Everything. If someone can fill my heart and my mind with so much joy I get why people think they need someone else than themselves to be happy.
If happy is falling asleep next to someone, tangled sheets and tangled limbs, soft early morning light on cheekbones and freckles, smiles that break hearts, laughter that makes you want to die of happiness, singing in the car together, stolen kisses that taste of coffee, if happy is this, then holy hell, I want it all. I now get truly madly deeply and I want it all, I want every goddamn morning and afternoon and night I can get.
I don't think I've ever seen the stars as bright, or the rain as refreshing, or the red and orange and yellow of autumn leaves as intense as these past few weeks and I can't decide whether it scares or excites me. I think it's a bit of both; it's uncharted territory, and people like me with walls around them as if they were medival castles made to survive hundreds of years of attacks don't fall easily. Don't let go easily, let alone hold on to someone easily, but this? This feels good. It even feels right. It feels meant to be. I've never seen the stars this bright.